you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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