my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
