Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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