I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
