I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
