I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
