The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
