some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
