My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
