Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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