Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
