there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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