Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
do herpes really smell.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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