Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
