I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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