My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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