i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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