turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm too high and old for this...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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