I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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