you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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