remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
