My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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