who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
