youre lurking in front of me
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
