You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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