well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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