I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My feet surprised me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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