i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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