Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
