So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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