You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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