guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
