please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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