How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
