sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
