standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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