the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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