remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
