I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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