turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
