3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
