Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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