can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
