im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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