He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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