You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
pop tarts are not kleenex
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
