I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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