I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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