there's paper in my vomit.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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