you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
