I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
two words: eviction party
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
