just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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