God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
