Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
