I feel great
I just peed on a car
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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