everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
