Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
