At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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