Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We were destined to go to rehab together
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm like, not good at living.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
