i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
