I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
