i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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